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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
OH. COME. ON.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent