I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
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Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5