When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
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Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
“A little help here, Danny?”
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M