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Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.