[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
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oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?