dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
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Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
tourist season
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.