Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
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You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
as is their right
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
🚲+physics = winner
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.