FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
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Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.