My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
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Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.