Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
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Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
#Caturday
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Every time my phone rings
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and