If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
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Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I falcon love using swear birds
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead