Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
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10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.