But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
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I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.