Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
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Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.