Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
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Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat