me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
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To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
i hope my email finds you on fire
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Word.
~ Microsoft.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject