Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
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When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”