People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
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There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
My love language is hissing.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.