This will teach them to underestimate me
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The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
#StillHurts
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them