ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
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Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Fries, not lies.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….