Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
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mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.