My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
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If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it