Solving a traffic jam
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A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.