-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
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“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Me as a therapist: omg same
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now