SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
You Might Also Like
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
March 16
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I’ve had relationships like this
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.