count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
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Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
courtroom exchange of the day
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.