Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
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me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”