DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
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My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
*jazz hands*
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out