inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
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*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
went fishing caught a bass
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…