“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
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#StillHurts
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
man i love columbo
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.