I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
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When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!