Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
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Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
is this a warning or an offer?
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻