The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
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All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
DOOO EEEET
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.