Day 4: They suspect nothing.
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The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff