I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
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That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.