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making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ