Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
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You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Who did it better?
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
A drum solo but on your face.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.