I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
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Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.