*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
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my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
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“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”