I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
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Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
there has never been a better use of this meme
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses