I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
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Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks