Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
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I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.