Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
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You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.