If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
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CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.