A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
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Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not