Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
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I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Its a hippotatomus
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.