Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
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Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?