I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
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Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this