Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
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I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Aw man, but that’s the best part
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.