Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
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If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER